roses are red, violets are blue, what the fuck

I - Intro



It started like any other day, really. It was a sunny day, summer was just starting and I was at home. I was writing a poem for someone's birthday. I didn't want it to be a serious poem though, more like a joke poem, you know, something among the lines of 'roses are red, violets are blue, I'm glad you're not a jew' but with less antisemitism, because I don't really know if she's got jewish relatives or friends. And because I didn't want to sound like an insensitive prick either. So I was in my living room, sitting and thinking what to write while my dog was on the sofa, as usual. All of a sudden it started raining. I hadn't realized it wasn't sunny anymore, and to be honest I shouldn't have been surprised that it was raining. A few hours ago I had seen some huge storm clouds to the east and said to myself 'mh, wonder if it'll rain one of these days'. But I was surprised. And I was also happy, for some reason. Rain tends to do that to me; make me inexplicably happy for some minutes. I guess I could explain that by going back to when I was a kid and I would skip school if it rained really bad, but then again since as far as I can remember, I've always loved rain. I'm not the sunny day kind of guy, in fact sun bothers the hell out of my eyes sometimes. So yeah, I had written 'Dear Lina' as a title and below that 'roses are red, violets are blue' and I just kept thinking of something witty and funny to write when all of a sudden someone knocks at my door. It was strange, you see, I've a door bell and this isn't the fucking 17th century. I got up and answered. It was Fede, a good friend of mine:

"Why the fuck did you knock the door instead of using the bell?" - I asked

- I thought I'd roleplay a bit and pretend I'm in the 17th century - he said. He's kind of an idiot sometimes.

"Well... come in, what's up?"

- Oh, nothing much, except for the fact the mob's kidnapped Ema - Ema's another good friend of mine.

"Wait, come again? The mob? Ema? Why the fuck would they do that? I didn't even know the mob existed here! Did I wake up on a parallel universe today?" - I yelled. I was slightly upset at the bizarreness of the situation.

- Yes, they took him in a black car like half an hour ago when we were just walking around -

"And how the fuck do you even know they're the mob? Did they give you their business card or something, you stupid fuck?" - I curse a lot when I'm pissed off.

- Well... yes. - He handed me over a business card. It said 'Joey Cifarrello - Mafia member'. I was astonished.

"Anything else? Did they ask for anything? Any idea why they took him?"

- They mentioned something about you ripping off the Hitman franchise and writing a short story about it. Something about some Eastern European dudes. -

"Why would anyone have a problem with a short story I wrote and published on facebook and my private blog? Did everyone become stupid all of a sudden?" - I was still pissed off.

- Well, I gotta go, but you ought to give 'em a phone call. Let me know if there're any news. Gotta go back home or my wife's gonna kick my ass - His wife wasn't the kind of woman you'd like to see angry.

"Alright, catch you later" He ran off towards my window, crashing into it and jumping off. Once again I was glad I lived on the first floor.



II - The call.



I was mad. I was nervous. I was angry. I was confused. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. After a while, and a few daydreams in which I end up getting shot by some random thugs, I started wondering whether I should call this Joey Cifarrello guy or not. Why the hell is his name Joey? We're in Buenos Aires, not New Jersey. And why does he have a business card? He's not a goddamn lawyer. In the end I decided to phone him, because whether they were mobsters, lawyers, clowns, astronauts or midgets wasn't really important. What was important was the fact that they had kidnapped my friend and I didn't know if he was still alive. I told myself he probably was, since their problem was apparently with me. I picked up the phone and dialed the number.



"H-h-hello? Is this Joey Cifarrello?" - I uttered, like a nine year old kid admitting he was playing football in the living room.

- Vinnie's Restaurant. 9 o'clock. Come alone - He hanged up.



Joey surely didn't have any manners, but I suppose that's not a requeriment to join the mafia.

I knew where Vinnie's Restaurant was, yet somehow it never occured to me that this place also had a suspiciously American name for an Argentinian place.



III - Sergio



I was as scared as a black guy in a zombie film. I knew I was going to get screwed one way or the other. I was well aware of the fact that I wasn't Bruce Willis and that if I walked into that place, odds were I would, at the very least, end up missing walking around. Luckily I knew very well how the restaurant looked like. I could probably draw a basic blueprint of the place if I wanted to. I knew it was a small place with a few tables and a bar. Nothing really fancy. They told me to go alone, but I wasn't suicidal. Oh no sir, I wasn't a selfdestructive idiot. I trained my dog so that she'd attack anyone who had even the slightest Italian accent. Because, following the stereotypical world I was living in, odds were these mobsters were Italo Americans. But that wasn't all. My dog wouldn't be enough to protect me from a bunch of tough guys. I knew I could count on Fede to come with me and be somewhere outside, acting as my guard in case anything horrible would happen to me in there, but none of that would work if we didn't have the firepower to make it work. Luckily I knew just the right person for this kind of situation. I picked up the phone:



"Sergio? I need your help. Friend of mine's been kidnapped and I-" He interrupted me.

- MY LITTLE PONY MY LITTLE PONY MY LITTLE PONY - He yelled. - Oh, yes. Go on, I'm sorry if I scared you, it's just that I was.. eh, just go on, tell me what's the matter -

"Well, I need to borrow some of your... valuable items"

- Oh yeah sure, come over, the door will be open. Do NOT come before 4pm though - I was scared.



I met with Fede at his place, and together with Mia (my dog) we went to Sergio's place. The door was opened, just as he said. His apartment hadn't been taken care of in years. The walls were all muddy, the wallpaper was wet and rotting away. There was an odd smell of fish and gasoline in the air that made me shiver.



"Look, he's a really good guy and he's helped me countless of times but I'm sure he's not alright in the head, you know what I'm saying? Just, don't look him straight in the eyes" - I told Fede

- Alright - He uttered, the same way I did when I was on the phone with Joey.

"Hey, stop that, stop it!" - My dog was chewing on what it seemed to be, a doll with a WWI gas mask.



We walked towards Sergio's room and I could hear really loud techno music and a strange, robotic voice speaking in a language I didn't really know. We went in and Fede screamed horrified, just like I did the first time I had ever gone into that bedroom. Sergio was completely naked with a prosthetic leg inbetween his legs and a WWI gas mask covering his face. The techno music with the robotic voice was a video on his television featuring, what must've been, an edited version of My Little Pony.



"Sergio? Sergio!" - He didn't answer. I got closer to him and took off his mask while repeating 'Oh god, oh god'.

- I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME BEFORE 4PM, GODDAMNIT - He screamed like an enraged psychopath. He probably was an enraged psychopath.

"It is 4pm already" - I said.

- Oh is it? I'm sorry, I was just, eh... - He turned off the tv and looked at me as if he had finished that sentence. He knew I didn't want to know what was going on - Anyway, who's this bitch you came with? - He asked.

"That's Mia and she's my dog, show some respect, asshole" - I didn't like when people insulted my dog.

- I mean that guy - He pointed at Fede.

"Oh- I-I'm j-j-ust Fede, F-f-ranco's friend" - He was as scared as I was when I met this sick son of a bitch.

- Shut the fuck up, I didn't ask you, did I? - Sergio yelled again.

"Calm the fuck down man, he's my friend" - I said angrily, pushing him. I wish I hadn't though, his chest was sticky.

- Fine, fine. There, in that trunk. That's all you can borrow from me. Just make sure you take care of them and bring them back in one piece. -



I opened the chest and found just what I needed. Two guns, a sniper rifle and a bulletproof vest. There also was a picture of an Asian man wearing a tuxedo punching baby seals, but I figured I wouldn't need that. I thanked Sergio and got the hell out of there with the weapons before he had one of his outbreaks.



IV - Joey & Carl



It was almost 9pm. I couldn't stop thinking about getting stabbed in the face or whatever it is mobsters do to those who write shitty short stories. We were around the corner of Vinnie's Restaurant getting ready.



"Alright, you just chill outside and pay attention if anything happens."

- Woof, woof! - Mia barked in agreement

"You stay in the other building and be ready with that rifle."

- Woof, woof! - Fede barked in agreement.



I took a deep breath and headed to the restaurant. I knew I was going straight to a highly possible death but I needed to know what they wanted. That, and something about Ema being kidnapped. I kinda had forgotten about it. I walked in and there were two men sitting in a table. One of them was bald and had a big moustache. The other guy looked quite strong. He was tall and had the shoulders of a beast. A beast with huge shoulders.



- Come on in, take a seat - Said the bald guy. I walked towards them and sat down.The waiter came to our table.

"Give him some goddamned coffee, you rude motherfucker!" - Said the giant guy as he crashed a bottle of whiskey on the waiter's head. He passed out and left me with no coffee. "Shit happens" - He said.

- I didn't want coffee anyway. Where's my friend? - I couldn't believe I just went straight to the point like that. Like I just didn't give a fuck about these guys shooting me. I also almost pissed myself.

"Well well well, don't you think you'd have to do something for us before you even know the answer to that question? What do you think Carl?" - Said the bald prick. I was starting to hate them.

- I think we should just fuck him up right here and right now Joey - Said Carl as my legs started shaking like I was a tap dancer or something.

"Woah woah, let's not get ahead of ourselves folks, of course we can arrange a deal. What do you want me to do?" - I was beyond frightened by then. The closest I had been to be killed by organized crime members before was when I was watching The Sopranos, and it's not like I could've been murdered that time.

- Write. Our boss wants you to write for him - Carl said.

"What? Write? Why, why didn't your boss just ask? Why did he kidnap my friend? I would've probably done it for free. I'm not even a professional writer. What, I mean what the fuck people?" - I really meant it.

- We just follow orders. Now let's head outside so that we take you to the boss. - Said Joey.



We got outside and to my surprise my friends were actually prepared. Joey didn't even finish commenting on how much his boss wanted me to write for him when Mia just jumped off and bit his neck like a wild, blind raged beast. At the very same time, a gunshot was heard and Carl dropped dead with a bullethole on his forehead.



- Fuck yes, I got him! - Said Fede. I just stood there, thinking whether I should write my own epitaph or just douse myself in gasoline and light a match.

"Which part looked threatening to you? We were simply walking out of the restaurant. They weren't beating the crap out of me. Why, just why did you shoot them?" - I was being hard on him. It wasn't his fault. I would've probably done the same.

- You'd have done the same, asshole - He knew me too well.

"Let's head back to my place, I need a shower like you need a hitman job. Seriously, when did you become so good with the sniper rifle?" - He just smiled and remained silent, acting cool.



V - Holy shit, what the fuck, is this how it ends?



Taking a shower was always relaxing for me, no matter the situation. It always helped me think things through and it also helped me smell like a decent human being. But this time, it didn't work. I mean, I did smell like a decent human being afterwards, but I wasn't relaxed at all. We had just killed two members of god knows what criminal organization. Fede was quiet, and so was I. We were sitting in my living room, thinking our friend was probably already dead and being digested by pigs. "roses are red, violet are blues" I read my half written joke poem. It was already too late to deliver it. It was past midnight and no longer her birthday. Just when I thought I might as well drink myself to death, my phone rang.



"Hello? Who the fuck is this?" - I asked. I was way beyond the point of giving a fuck.

- Mr Guarino? I do believe I've got something of your interest. Or, actually, someone. - Said a voice similar to that of Morgan Freeman.

"Oh god, please don't tell me you're Morgan Freeman" - I kind of gave in to my own stupidity.

- What? No, you stupid idiot. If you want Ema to live, come to your friend Sergio's apartment. Oh yes, he's also my victim now too. - He hung up.



We got to Sergio's place in what seemed to be hours, but was probably a few minutes. I had left Mia at home, because I didn't want her to end up the way I probably would.



- I fucking hate the way this place smells - Fede said.

"Yeah, me too. I never really asked him what the smell is. Everything about this place terrifies me."

- Look who's here, the prick who thinks he's too good to write for me so he kills my two men - Said the boss. He was an old man yet he looked strong. He was quite big and had a white moustache that would make anyone tremble. I wasn't an exception.

"You kidnapped my friends, what the hell did you expect?" - Again, where the hell do I get those balls from?

- Oh please, this sick pervert is your friend? - He pointed at Sergio. He was still naked and was tied up. I don't know whether he got tied up by the boss or he tied himself up because the ponies told him to.

"Well... yes." - I was slightly ashamed. Really, Sergio's fucking weird sometimes. Ok, all the time.

- You're actually risking your own life to save him?! - And that's when the boss committed a fatal mistake. As he said that, he looked Sergio straight in the eyes. Sergio broke free and screamed like a werewolf. He jumped towards the boss, pushing me aside with inhuman strength and started biting off the boss' face until he no longer was a living being.

"Holy shit, what the fuck" - I said. Those were the only words that could be said in that situation.

- What, what, what the fuck did just happen? - Fede asked. I had no answer. I only knew I was right all along whenever I told someone not to look him straight in the eyes.

"Hey guys, what are you doing here?" - Said Sergio, completely naked and covered in blood.

- Oh, nothing. We were just leaving. Right Fede? Yeah, we were leaving. See you - I said in less than a second as I pushed Fede out and left.



Outside there was a black Mercedes we had ignored on our way in because we were too focused on our meeting with the boss. We were pretty sure it was his car. It wasn't the kind of neighbourhood you'd expect to see that kind of car in.



- Let's check the trunk - Fede said as he started lockpicking it.

"Where the hell did you learn that? Same place you learnt to shoot a sniper rifle? Asshole" - I was jealous he was more of a super secret agent than me.



He opened the trunk and to our surprise and relief, Ema was there.



- Fuck yes, I've been in there the whole day, holy shit I smell like a dead horse - I don't know how dead horses smell, but it they smell the same way he smelled, then it must be horrible.

"Are you alright? Did they do anything to you?" I asked.

- No, they just kept me in here since they kidnapped me. Who were these guys anyway?

"The mafia"

- Don't fuck around, really. Who were these guys? - He repeated

"The mafia, really. Also, Fede is some kind of super soldier... let me tell you on the way home. You could really use a shower" - And off we went to my place, because this asshole really, really needed a shower.